Australianizing Footy

If there’s one thing that Australians love it is unsolicited advice from Americans about their national sport.  So, with this in mind, I here present a few suggestions on the Australianizing of Australian Rules Football or “footy.”  For those who don’t know, footy is a terribly entertaining sport sharing aspects of rugby, soccer, volleyball, American football and even basketball.  It is a sport like no other and is a true Aussie invention.  Footy team mascots, on the other hand, are generally pretty generic.  Lions and tigers and eagles!  Oh my!  These could be the mascots of NFL teams from Detroit, Cincinnati or Philidelphia.  “But the footy club of the Richmond Tigers have been around since before the Cincinnati Bengals” someone might argue, and they would be right.  But with a whole continent full of remarkable, powerful and lethal potential mascots why adopt a mascot from Asia to represent a team of a sport that is so exclusively Australian?  So, I have decided that some footy teams should alter or replace their mascots. 

Old Name:New Name

Carlton Blues:Carlton Blue Rings:  There is no more boring mascot than a color.  It’s true of the Cleveland Browns and it’s true of the Carlton Blues. Blue is only a shade more intimidating than pink (by the way, Melbourne Football Club was originally the Fuschias). “But the name carries so much history” they say.  It does carry history, but not really that much.  All the name tells us is the color shirts that the players originally wore.  We’re footy fans, for the love.  We don’t care about clothing; we care about metaphorically killing the other team.  And what could be more Australian than a lethally poisonous octopus?

Melbourne Demons:Tasmanian Devils: Of 18 professional footy teams, fully half are within a 40 minute drive from downtown Melbourne.  To make the league more representative of Australia as a whole, some teams may be relocated.  This is how the South Melbourne Swans became the Sydney Swans.  While the Demons are my team and I’d hate to see them leave, I think that for the sake of the sport they should be moved to Tasmania and their mascot should be changed from demons to devils, thus becoming the Tasmanian Devils.

Richmond Tigers:Richmond Tiger Snakes:  Of the ten most venomous snakes in the world, ten call Australia home.  Number 4 on that list, with distinctive tan and brown bands is the tiger snake.  While it might be uncommon to find a tiger snake in Richmond (I’m sure it’s more likely than finding a tiger) they are abundant in nearby rural areas.

Sydney Swans:Sydney Black Swans:  Sydney can keep their mascot, but they should change the color.  White swans are native to the Northern Hemisphere, while the native Australian swans are black.  This would be a very minor change to the team logo, yet would celebrate Australian fauna. 

Brisbane Lions:Brisbane Drop Bears: Brisbane’s professional footy team was previously the Brisbane Bears, with a koala (bear) mascot.  When Fitzroy was merged with Brisbane the team was renamed the Lions.  I don’t know why this is.  Perhaps it’s because koalas hardly provoke thoughts of athletic prowess.  Perhaps the powers that be decided that they could not continue misleading the public with the implicit suggestion that koalas are bears.  So, what is a “drop bear” you ask.  I would look it up on Wikipedia, if I were you, but I’ll give you the cliff’s notes version here.  A “drop bear” is like a koala on steroids with a taste for blood.  It is a carnivorous koala-like mammal that jumps or drops on its unsuspecting prey from the branches above.  They are entirely fictional and often, in jest, Australians will warn gullible tourists that when they go bushwalking they must smear vegemite behind their ears to ward off any potential attacks. 

West Coast Eagles:West Coast Wedge Tails:  Wedge tailed eagles or “wedgies” are the largest bird of prey in Australia.  Have you ever seen “The Rescuers Down Under?” There’s an eagle in that movie.  I don’t remember if it was a wedge tail or not, but it should have been.
Greater Western Sydney Giants:Greater Western Sydney Giant Worms OR Greater Western Sydney Great Whites: The Giants.  New York, San Francisco and now Sydney.  Giants are among  the most unoriginal mascots.  But Giant Worms?  Now that's original.  And Australian.  Australia is home to the world's largest earth worm.  Some may think that worms are a lowly, meek and nonthreatening mascot.  Anyone who has no fear of worms has never hosted an intestinal parasite or has never read the novel "Dune."  But, if the Greater Western Sydney Giant...Worms doesn't do it for you, I have an Australian alternative.  The Greater Western Sydney Great Whites.  Australia leads the world in attacks per capita by Great White Sharks.  Or it might.  I don't actually know, but it sounds reasonable.  There are quite a few every year. 

Canberra Convicts: The capital city of Australia has no footy team.  This should be rectified.  And what better mascot than the convict, paying homage to the history of Australia as an English penal colony.